Finn Faves

On a lighter note, a few of Finn's favorite things.  These are things that have endured over the many months as favorite toys.  

Dominos

Yes, dominos.  I bought a set to take on that July campin

g trip where were pregnant but didn't know it (and I wanted to kill the teenager in Subway).  Finn found them months and months ago and they have turned out to be the most fabulous toys.  They make great phones, blocks, can be stuck in the rails of the cupboards, inside the tea kettle, inside mommy's mouth.  We find them

 in all kinds of nooks and crannies of the house.  We keep them in a glass jar which is terribly fun to dump all over the place.  Yes, all children need a set of dominos.  

Music Cube

This was a gift from Quinn down the street.  She was about 7 when Finn wa

s born and brought over some gifts from her toy box that she'd outgrown.  The music cube was one of them.  Finn LOVES to dance to this and push it until he finds his favorite song.  It's great and the music isn't too obnoxious.   

Kitchen Utensils

They say kids don't need toys.  Well we want play utensils because Finn has basically co-opted all of ours.  He's destroyed my wire whisk.  He lost one of our spoons.  They are used to get balls from under the crib, to "cook" with, to chase the cat.  Finn loves them.  

Genderqueer Pregnancy and Birth

Just something I've been thinking about.

I identify as a lesbian and female, but I know quite a few people who are either gender queer or living as a different gender than their birth.  Also many people are in relationships where they identify as lesbian with a male partner who was female when they started the relationship.  

Recently a question was posed as to how to describe or market a birthing class for lesbians without using the word "lesbian" or "queer".

I'm not sure if this can even be done.

My question back would be "what about people who are FtM or gender queer?"  

I've become increasingly comfortable with the word queer.  It's easier than GLBT (and sometimes the dreaded Q).  It's snappy.  It covers all territory.  And my exposure to the poly community and the gender queer community leaves no question that sometimes queer really is the best word to describe our group as a whole.  It's the most inclusive.

I understand the reluctance by the general community to use "queer".  I don't get not wanting to use "lesbian".  How unlabeled are we supposed to be?  Do we end up being women who happen to have sex with women?  By destroying our labels we become indistinguishable from our heterosexual counterparts, and while that is not a bad goal, what do we do with the unique world view we bring to the party as a minority, as women, as queers?

I also have to wonder how much internalized homophobia has to do with refusing to use "queer" or "lesbian".  Who knows.

I digress a little bit.  Just a little.

So my question is this: for anyone reading this who is gender queer or FtM, what makes you feel included in the lesbian community?  Maybe you feel automatically included.  Maybe you feel like the minority within the minority.  How do you feel about the world "queer"?  If you identify as queer, how do you feel about the reluctance to use the word "queer"? 

What language in a brochure for a lesbian led birthing class would make you feel included?

tantruming

Seems I've had a bit of an impromptu blog break.  Anyhoo, I'm back after much nagging from M. consisting of "how can you have a blog if you never blog on it."

Yeah yeah yeah.

Finn has managed to nurse my breast raw.  This is the second time he's managed to do this and it's hard to get healed up because the kid has a monster suck and his main method of helping his teeth feel better is ME.

It's frustrating for both him and me.

We still nurse on demand but sometimes I have to say "no".  Like when he nurses for an hour straight.  It breaks my heart but I know that Finn wouldn't want mommy to hurt if he could understand the situation.

So I said no milk.

And he had a tantrum.  He curled on the floor and cried because mommy wouldn't give him milk.

Tantrums are strange things.  There's this image of the kid on the floor kicking and screaming as the harried parent looks on in horror.  Then there's the urge to somehow stop this huge display of out of control emotions pouring out of your tiny toddler.  

Yet tantrums are normal.  Toddlers have no regulations, they're hot and cold, on and off, happy or sad, but not much in between.  When they get upset, they flood and they're filled completely with everything they're feeling.  

They do what we all really want to do when we're confronted with no getting our way.  We handle it like adults.  We clench our jaws and hold back the tears.  We walk away but what we really want to do is curl on the floor and cry because someone said "NO".

It takes time to find that ability to regulate.  So why should we as parents send the message to our toddlers that their very real emotions and their very understandable response to them are somehow wrong.

M. and I let Finn work through his tantrums.  We sit near him and rub his back and make sure he never feels alone or abandoned.  We reflect what he's feeling and we understand that it really sucks not to get your way.  And you know what, they never last that long.  

Because it's okay to be upset and it's okay to cry about it.  It's what we all do behind closed doors anyway.